Mycenia's Lair

I've had this idea floating around in my head for a few days. I've been patient, to no avail. It refuses to coalesce into something coherent. Something malleable. Something that won't piss people off when they read it. Well, they say there is a lot to be said for winging it, so here goes. Maybe in the end it will come together nicely. Perhaps not so much.

How many times have you said it? Heard it? Or thought it? Always a different question and always the answer, riding a short breath of resignation, is the same. It's complicated. I've said it, as have you. As have we all. It seems appropriate. An umbrella term for life and its many intricacies. A lithe and sophisticated phrase that amounts to little more than, "I don't understand a damn thing myself, but you get what I'm saying."

Personally, I think is a scapegoat. One on equal footing with the word of God and weapons of mass destruction (notorious ruminants of the historical and modern day), if not equal fame.

Myriad things breed complications. Expectation, ambition, even simplification. It all layers, one on top of the other until there is little hope of discerning one event or stipulation from the other. You become bogged down, burdened with the task of untangling the twisted nature of your life. Each element augments the puzzle exponentially. As all's eventual, life ultimately grinds to a pained and panicked stop.

Halted by our own hand. Our own mind. Our own mournful existence. Made all the more gloriously morbid by our own desire.

What would it be like if that term, not just the words "it's complicated," but the phrase and all its sums were stricken from our mouths? What if we couldn't boil the latent and burning injustices of life down to two words? What if instead of glossing over, we had to glare and discern? Something tells me we wouldn't like what we'd see.

Complications breed excuses. The single greatest commodity of all time. People will do anything for an excuse not to do something. I could follow this tangent to hell and back, but that isn't exactly where I wanted to go today. Suffice to say that humanity revels in its own Byzantine existence. We are all actors that play out the dramas of our lives with as much flair and pomp as we can muster. Spectaculorum procedere debet .

Here's the point of all this ramble. Life is as complicated as you allow it to be. I'm not saying that there aren't a thousand things bombarding you at every moment. Of course there are, welcome to the age of reason. My reason, your reason, their reason. Everyone has a reason to attack someone else. But for those thousand stressing complications, you can likely only control a handful. Why swat at flies beyond the window? It does no good. Acknowledge their presence. Understand that one day, at least some of them will make it through. Then turn around and take care of the few that already have.

We waste so much time lamenting that which we have no authority over, that we completely overlook those things that are within our power of influence.

Like all philosophies, this too can be utilized to our own detriment. In our own overzealous nature, we tend to, not only ignore those problems we cannot control, but the ones we can as well. We become indignant and possessive. We move beyond the simple hope of keeping ones mind balanced, into the darker waters of petulance and societal reproach.

Never forget: The thousand flies batting at the window frame may not be your problem, but the dozen flitting about your dinner plate are. The precepts of accountability still hold. The longer you ignore them, the faster they multiply. Take it from someone who knows. Someone who is there right now...

Here it is, plain and simple: Stop worrying about your life and live it. If you can fix something, no matter how hard it will be or long it will take, fix it. It is your responsibility to do so. If you can't, don't dwell on it. Set it aside until the day you can. Move on. Embrace opportunities, no matter how complicated the situation may seem. Because in the end, it's only as abstruse as your mind allows.

As I thought, a twisted little train wreck of a creation. But it works so assuage my aching brain.

Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement.

How far should forgiveness extend? When should you forgive? Should you forget? I guess, I'm still hung up on lines. Those criss-crossing details. Circumstances that overlay, overlap and overwhelm. Here are my answers: As far as it can. Whenever you can. Never.

A little on the altruistic side? Not at all. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender. That's the forgetting. That's freeing them from the burden of memory. Forgiveness is and shall ever be about you. Me. Why?

If you hold onto anger. If you cling to the injustice of someone's actions, or even you own, those feelings will fester. They will seep into the hollows of your heart with gangrenous tenacity, filling them with a void light and love cannot touch. The time and energy needed to excavate such darkness is immense, and even if you can, there is still damage irreparable. You will have learned hatred. Hate is a seed that manifests, not in the heart, but in the soul. It is a sickness, an addiction and the catalyst for human irresponsibility.

It is also the chosen affliction for generation after generation of hypochondriacs. Those that must put a name to their ignorance. It is almost humorous, for all the evil done in the mendacious name of love, an equal if not greater level of disservice has been dealt out in the misplaced name of hate. They confuse anger and resentment for something deeper. It is not possible to hate that which you do not know. It is possible to be stupid enough to allow someone to convince you otherwise.

There are those who have learned to use their hate to fuel the continuance of their lives. Because that is all they have left to live for. I'd rather be dead. Hate is crippling. It weighs you down until every breath, every moment is a struggle. But it's so easy to start. So easy to look at someone who has wronged you or someone you love and say “I hate you.” So easy to look at a nation that is alien in culture and nature and say, “They should all die.”

I can only speak for myself at this point. Maybe you do hate that person. Those people. If that is the case, then may whatever god sits above or within grace you with the light to overcome. I've abandoned hatred. And I have plenty of reasons to embrace it. It's just, I'm not strong enough for that anymore.

I think about my father. The terrible thing he did to me, to my family. The absolute, irrevocable betrayal of innocence that took place. I can recall events so vividly that it makes me physically ill. For the longest time I thought I hated him. Actually, I'm pretty sure I did. A few years ago, I saw a picture of him online. He'd been arrested somewhere in Georgia. He looked old and tired. I stared at that picture for a long time. Funny thing. There was no anger, only pity. An almost overwhelming rush of sympathy. I realized I didn't hate him. Hate is all consuming, you cannot hate someone and feel anything else for them.

In that moment I understood. If I couldn't hate him, a man that left me scarred in so many ways, then I didn't have it in me to hate anyone. I went down the list of all the people I held in the same evil regard and found that, even though I resented the impact they had on my life, I could still find compassion for them in some infinitesimal way. The hate that lingered in my heart evaporated.

I know it sounds absurd, but that realization was a turning point in my life. It forced me to look at the situation I was in and consider how all those negative aspects I attributed to that list had affected my life. How I'd let them affect me. Because it was easier to blame them, then to change. I learned the most important thing about myself then: Bad things only change you if you let them. I won't. Not anymore.

I won't make someone earn my trust, just because mine was betrayed years ago. I won't let someone make me feel inferior just because they do. I won't judge first and ask questions later. I will get hurt. I will have my heart broken. And I will forgive those transgressions. Because I refuse to let someone else burden me with a dark and hateful heart. It isn't worth it.

Have I changed? Have I followed my own righteous advice? Yes. And perhaps no. Hate or not, there is no miracle cure for some damages. I cannot wipe out the memories, or keep them from affecting certain aspects of my life. I cannot make my fear of ridicule, of people in general, dissipate overnight. All I can do when those panicked moments strike is take a deep breath, meet that person's gaze and smile. And go on living.

Forgiveness is never simple, especially not at first. It is too easy to cling to pain, anger, sorrow. To use them as a crutch. An excuse for living your life the easy way and not the right way. What is the right way? I suppose that is a question whose answer belongs to you alone. My way is still unclear. It winds a twisted path through wood and bramble, hill and valley. The journey will be long and undoubtedly arduous, but I travel forward unburdened and only slightly marred by the horrors of my past. The road is no longer dark. There are shadows that still linger, but there is also light. I'll live for them both. Because without them, the good and the bad, I wouldn't be me.

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

I hate lines. Of course they have their purpose. There are lines no one should cross, color outside of, or otherwise break through. The worst of them are the thin ones submerged in gray. So obscure, sometimes you doubt its existence. But it is there. One day, someone will come along and point it out, glorifying in their discovery of your ignorance. Or oversight. Or stubborn refusal to admit that it existed at all.

There is a thin line between a lot of things. Genius and insanity. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Need and greed. There's a good one.

Someone pointed out that generosity is preyed upon. It attracts the greedy and unambitious. Like a swarm of moths to the slightest flame, they come forth to siphon away the warmth and hoard the meager light for themselves. Is it true. Of course it is. Look at the welfare system as it stands now. Misused and abused to sickening ends.

Even knowing that, accepting that fact in its entirety, I cannot bring myself to cast off a giving nature. Drawing once again on welfare. Does it bother me that my money is paying for baby factories that pop out children just to collect a bigger check each month? It's disgusting, sickening and angers me to no end. But I'll deal with it. I'll deal with it because somewhere, there are people that are truly desperate for help. There are children who barely eat enough to survive. Who have no health coverage at all. Not across the ocean, in a distant land. Here in the glorious United States of America.

Did you know that child poverty is more widespread in the United States than in any other industrialized country; at the same time, the U.S. government spends less than any industrialized country to pull its children out of poverty. How about the fact the of the 35 million people (12 million of which are children) that go hungry in the US each day, 1/3 are currently employed and over 2/3 have unemployment gaps of less than 3 months. I find that all incredibly sad.

Sorry. Tangent. Back on track now. Why I'll deal with with it: Because, if it means one little kid can make it through tomorrow without wondering if there will be anything to eat, I'll forgive all the assholes in the country that take advantage of our slipshod government care system.

Everyone deserves two things in life: love and a chance. Unfortunately for some the first is lacking and the later is completely out of reach. I also believe the two are intrinsically linked. Sometimes, all a person needs is a leg up. A gesture of good faith from a single person. Not because they expect something in return, but because they can. Not to say generosity is altruistic. I, for one, like helping people. I like giving to others. It makes me feel good about myself and there are bloody few things out there that can do that anymore.

You know the worst thing about being broke? Outside of the fact that it is entirely my fault that is. It's not being able to help my family or friends or anyone else. To lend or buy or give. It depresses me. As materialistic as I am (and I am) the inability to assist hurts worse than the inability to attain.

Of course there is more than the monetary to consider. There is the generosity of the soul. Another aspect that we as a nation (hell, as a species) are lacking in. It usually works two ways. Either we stand on our pedestal, stamping on the fingers of those trying to reach our position, or we linger below, grasping at the heels of those striving to move beyond us. It is human instinct to dominate. To control and to be covetous. As the reigning societal species, one would hope that we would be able to supersede base instinct. At least on a daily basis. I guess it's a trivial desire. Hell, even I fail in that respect. Just not as often as others.

I think it's a matter of love. Love thy neighbor as thyself? Not likely. Not as thyself or thy family or even thy friends. Maybe as thy boss, but definitely not as thy dog. Love is a bit taboo nowadays. It's also passed around like a well greased whore. Used for a while and then completely forgotten. Quite the paradox. In either case, it is a virtue that has been relegated to "as needed" status. I guess the problem is all in the definition. People relate love to spouses, mom, dad and the kids. Love is romantic or familial. Very true. But it is so much more.

Love is compassion and caring. Not just for those you know, but for all people. It is trying to understand someone, even if you can't agree with them. It is respecting their faith, even when you don't believe in it. It is forgiving them, even if you're not sure they deserve it. It is never forgetting them, even if they never knew you.

Here's a quote for you:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his enemies."

Lame as it sounds, the last year has taught me one thing about myself: I love everyone. In some infinitesimal way, I can find enough compassion, caring, respect and understanding for each person I come across to qualify for my own kind of love. Of course there are those in which that feeling is augmented: my family and friends and the random, often oblivious, people I adopt into my heart. It's a stronger emotion because I have an influence in their lives, sometimes large and other times rather insignificant. But in some way I directly affect them. That's a heady realization. It's not connection I take lightly.

In many ways love is more precious than money. The greedy often desire it as much, if not more. It is most often coveted, hoarded. Never given freely, but bartered for and traded with. The irony is painful. Shameful. That something which can be created at will, that is as finite as your own heart allows, could be turned into a commodity and sold off to the highest bidder.

Here too do the poor suffer. Perhaps not with a hunger in their stomachs, but with one that gnaws at their soul. Naive as it is, I believe that if everyone in the world knew that someone somewhere loved them, this place we live in would be much better off. Stupid, I know. But I would rather live in my own stupid world than any other.

There's another thin line: Hopeful and Hopeless. Perhaps I blew right through that one Perhaps not. One way or the other I'll go on.

~ Help those you can as often as you can. If you cannot help them, hear them. Support them. Let them know that you will always be behind them. Let them know that you will always love them.